hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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