you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
