I think my fart just growled at me.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
