I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
