I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
