I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think a kid would responsible me up
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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