glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
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just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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