I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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