I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
