i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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