btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
