i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
