I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
