so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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