You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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