During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
