Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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