We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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