I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
