i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
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She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
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I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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