Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
