I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
i believe in u and ur pee
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
