the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
