A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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