at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
