I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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