Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
