Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
