Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
