Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
