Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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