I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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