you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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