Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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