Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
