p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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