P.S. I can't hear my feet
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
