Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
