you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I will be naked everywhere
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
