The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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