My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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