The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
