im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
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