dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
