he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
