Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
