i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
this just has baby written all over it
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
