mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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