Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
