I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
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He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
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I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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