Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
