But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
