"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?