What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?