My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
