apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
