I accidentally burped into my bong.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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