just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
