I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
