Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
