there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
