Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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