She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
