Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
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