he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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