I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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