Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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