how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
