You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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