I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
